Whereupon Will prefers Tawny Kitaen’s performance in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” video to Stephen Nichol’s entire oeuvre, and Nate questions the taste in hats of the undead …
Witchboard (1986)
Dir: Kevin S. Tenney
Starring Todd Allen, Clare Bristol, Burke Byrnes, Gloria Hayes, Tawny Kitaen and more!
“It's called a Ouija Board, and it's been used for thousands of years to communicate with the souls of the afterworld. For beautiful Linda Brewster (infamous 80s vixen Tawny Kitaen), it brings the playful ghost of a dead ten-year-old boy. But when the friendly spirit develops a sudden taste for violent murder and demonic possession, Linda's skeptical boyfriend (Todd Allen) and her former lover (Stephen Nichols of General Hospital and Days Of Our Lives) must race to destroy this ferocious portal of the damned. This is no game; this is WITCHBOARD!”
Will: Liked the movie but it took a while to build up steam. Not enough killing to make it horror in my opinion. More like suspense.
Nate: I’m particularly disappointed in the diminished presence of the main villain, Mouthvader1.
Will: I would have wrote it as the killer was actually Brandon because he was jealous he was not with Linda. He rigged the Ouija board where it would seem to be contacting a ghost.
Nate: See, that would have been much more the better. Granted, how he killed all those people would have been hard to explain.
Will: True. I like the shower scene with Linda the best, who got hotter as she got more possessed.
Nate: Yeah, but goddamn does Mouthvader have shit taste in hats. That one she’s wearing at the end? You’d truly need to be a demon from hell to wear that thing.
Will: He was mad because he did not get good screen time, so he was like, “Bump it, I will wear what I want to wear!”
Nate: And he picked that … wow. See, that why I picked “Witchboard.” In the ads and previews at the time of the film’s release, Mouthvader looked like a scary fucker. But hell, he only showed up to swing an axe that one time? J.P. Luebsen was grossly overpaid.
Will: The guy that played “Patch” on “Days of Our Lives”2 was a key player in this movie and what else has he done? Of course, Tawny Kitaen killed it in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” video.
Nate: I can call a childhood dream fulfilled, since I’ve seen Tawny Kitaen naked, back when she was all hot and wasn’t crazy as hell.
Will: True dat. I wonder if sales for Ouija boards went up, down, or were unaffected after the release of this cinematic masterpiece.
Nate: Hell, after watching this movie, I was in a Toys R Us and found one. Glowed in the dark too; almost bought it. I could bring it to ‘mania3, maybe we could contact Benoit, find out if he really did it4.
Will: Ha ha!
Nate: They didn’t do the psychic’s death enough justice. I wanted that bitch to die almost immediately. “That’s just a little psychic humor.” As opposed to the other kind of humor that’s, y’know, funny.
Will: I wish the dude you fell out of the window would have died. All of ‘em die and then someone finds the Ouija board. Why have them get married? It’s a horror movie; bring on some horror!
Nate: Oh, and that landlord lady … what’s she from? I’d seen her on TV before …
Will: I thought the same thing! Worth researching.5
Nate: Did you get sick of the theme song?6 “In the middle of the summer/ In the middle of the night …” The DVD had that song looping throughout the menu screen.
Will: Some. It was annoying. I did not like how he shoots the Ouija board to get the demon. Shitty ending.
Nate: Yeah, that was fairly pussy. You’d think Mouthvader would know this was a major weakness, and do something like put it in a safe.
Will: Did he kill David so he could come back when he met his maker and use David as a cover-up?
Nate: That’s a good question. I hated to see Jim get killed, especially after he stopped being such a dickhead. Plus his death had a big error too: He gets an axe to the forehead, so where’d that big slash on his face come from?
Nate: The director (of “Witchboard”) is the same director of “Night of the Demons.” Not surprising, given the similar themes.
Nate: Overall, I was satisfied with “Witchboard,” but somewhat disappointed based on my expectations. But still … Tawny Kitaen’s shower scene, ya heard?
Will: That scene makes the movie for me.
Nate: It certainly don’t hurt it none.
~
1The character’s name is in fact “Malfeitor,” played by J.P. Luebsen. His actual on-screen time is _________.
2Stephen Nichols played Steve Earle “Patch” Johnson on “Days of Our Lives” from 1985 to 2009.
3Wrestlemania 28, on 1 April 2012.
4On 25 June 2007, police found the bodies of professional wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife and his son, in their Atlanta, GA, home. The wife and son’s death were attributed to homicide by Benoit, whose own death was attributed to suicide by hanging.
5Rose Marie, who played Mrs. Moses the landlord, also starred in numerous television shows, most notably as Sally Rogers in “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” from 1961 to 1966.
6”Bump in the Night,” performed by Iannis Xenakis.
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