Amazon is showing 326 releases for next week. That assures that a grand portion of them will be the drizzling shits.
Winslow The Christmas Bear
Platinum Disc; 60m
$6.99
Winslow the bear isn't like the other bears. Instead of hibernating this winter like the rest of his kind, he decides to ask each of his animal friends what Christmas is all about.
(Starring "Various Animals.")
This seems like one of those budget releases that you get when a major animated movie comes out, how "Brave" came out and soon after "Kiera the BRAVE" hit the DVD shelves. Are there any Christmas movies coming out with bears and a cast of animal friends?
Close Encounters of the Inbred Redneck Kind
SRS Cinema; 70m
$8.99
Close Encounters of the 1st kind: Physical sighting 2nd kind: Physical evidence 3rd kind: Physical contact Inbred Redneck kind: Physical contact with your sister Blue collar shenanigans ensue when the overlord of planet Trailerparkia sends his mullet pods to Earth to bring about redneck Armageddon! The invasion's leader, Camel Toe Bobby Joe, is rounding up hillbilly soldiers faster than a cat can lick its bunghole. But Earth does have hope... in the form of Captain Skanky McHaggis. It'll be all business in the front & party in the back when these two battle for the fate of humankind!
Hey, don't look at me. I'm all for redneck armageddon.
Golden Winter
Asylum Home Entertainment; 90m(!)
$14.95(!!)
A boy befriends a litter of homeless Golden Retrievers. Together, they help stop a bank robbery just in time for Christmas.
Starring Shannon Elizabeth, that poor girl. Is there ANY chick in the cast of "American Pie" that fate was kind to? I mean, Natasha Lyonne is a dope fiend, Mena Suvari hasn't been in a film worth shit since she stumbled her way through "American Beauty," and let's be honest, how much worse off would we be if Tara Reid died instead of Brittany Murphy? Allyson Hannigan fared best of the bunch, but being on "How I Met Your Mother" is probably Hell enough.
And you could be forgiven if you read that title and thought it said, "Golden Shower." I did too. In fact, that's probably Shannon Elizabeth's next gig.
Inventions That Shook the World
Questar; 6 discs, 450m
$44.99
From the airplane to the DNA fingerprint, science, history and pop culture come under the spotlight in this thrilling chronicle of the 20th Century's greatest inventions. Go on a decade-by-decade voyage of discovery through life-changing inventions; like the radio that made the world smaller; the machine gun that made it more dangerous; or the parking meter that made it more expensive. Meet the brilliant, often quirky minds that brought the inventions to life, including the smartest man on the planet and the high school dropout everyone took for a fool. Witness the discovery and creation of billion-dollar inventions and financial disasters - all players in the most innovative century the world has ever known.
As seen on the Discovery Channel! You know what, though, fuck the 20th century; if the wheel isn't at number one, I call bullshit!
Bashment Granny 2
Stages Films; 75m
$12.99
I couldn't find any good, easy-to-decipher summaries on this release, only to find out that this is apparently what Tyler Perry would be doing if he lived in Jamaica instead of Atlanta. This is, of course, also the sequel to the "wildly popular" (according to the internet) "Bashment Granny." Apparently, "wildly popular" means a whole different thing in Jamaica.
Note: "Bashment Granny 2" is, as of this writing, available in its entirety on Youtube. Seek and ye shall find; there, I saved you $12.99.
(See also: "Shebada Come to Town," to be released this week as well. And to continue the Tyler Perry comparison, here's Jamaica's Madea.)
Paul Rodriguez: Just for the Record
Image Ent.; 83m
$13.48
One of the most popular comics of our time is back and better than ever – JUST FOR THE RECORD! Paul Rodriguez’s first one-man show tells the hilarious true story of Paul’s childhood moving from Mexico to the untamed wilds of Fresno and Compton, California and his journey to comedy stardom – with advice along the way about staying out of gangs by living on a street with a wussy name, picking the baddest Schwinn bicycle in the store, almost becoming a lawyer and providing unexpected racial diversity for his football team. Don’t miss the star of the hit show Mis Videos Locos in this once-in-a-lifetime laugh riot!
Perhaps the most amazing thing is that Paul Rodriguez is still doing stand-up, and no one has killed him yet. (That could also apply to George Lopez.) Is Rodriguez's mother still alive? If so, there's at least one copy of this shitpile that will sell.
Terror of Dracula
World Wide Multimedia; 100m
$14.99
TERROR OF DRACULA is an exciting new adaptation of Bram Stoker's ""Dracula"", that is faithful in spirit to the original text. Produced with a keen eye towards recreating the golden renaissance of classic European horror (Hammer / Amicus / Franco / Naschy), this film is both a loving homage to films of an era gone-by, as well as a carefully-crafted presentation of the ultimate screen monster as Stoker envisioned him... Dracula is cunning, fierce, and terrifying.
"Terror of Dracula" is an exciting new adaptation of Bram Stoker's 'Dracula' ..." Doubt it. One review on the DVD cover heralds this thing as being "as close to the book as any I've ever seen," stated by Dacre Stoker<sup>1</sup>, of the Bram Stoker Estate. Yes ... this one, NOT Lugosi's "Dracula," NOT Hammer's "Dracula," NOT even Coppola's Dracula, and CERTAINLY NOT "Nosferatu" ... but this one, "Terror of Dracula," starring a fellow named "Anthony D.P. Mann" who is NOT a porn actor, this is ... the ONE!
Zombie Babies
Independent Entertainment; 112m
$13.46
When a local entrepreneur advertises a new, painless late-term abortion method, a group of couples flock to his hotel to take advantage. During their weekend retreat, a freak accident re-animates the fetuses, filling them with a desire for vengeance and a taste for human flesh.
Wow. For those of you that wanted to follow the exploits of the zombie babies from "Dawn of the Dead" (2004) and "Dead Alive," this one all for you, and you can have it. I'm personally upset that the film isn't set at some high school prom, as a "Night of the Living Dead" homage set at a prom with dumpster fetuses storming the gym doors would make for quite gripping entertainment indeed.
Becoming Barack: Evolution of a Leader
Wiggins Music Group; 55m
$12.95
Wait, stop! "Evolution?" The first black president? Is this some way of making a veiled monkey joke? For shame, right wing, for SHAME!
But, to grace you with a snippet from the actual synopsis of the film, made in 2009:
There's been an explosion of Barack Obama memorabilia onto the market since the presidential election, much of it garbage just trying to cash in on the hysteria. This includes DVDs ...
I was there on the day that irony died.
Extreme Metal Retardation
Grimoire Films; 120m
$8.99
No synopsis; we have a winner.
Other notes:
- Seems to be a lot of Brazilian Jujitsu training videos hitting the market this week. Is there a revolution brewing that I don't know about?
- All of the Seinfeld seasons are getting re-released. It seems like an odd time for that, since at this point, I'd think the market for Seinfeld releases has come and gone. Who's clamouring for a Seinfeld fix that either a. hasn't gotten it yet, or b. can't get enough of the show from syndication? Unless it's a Blu-Ray release, but then, who the hell wants to see "Seinfeld" in hi-def?
- Unofficial pop-star bios unite! Unauthorized discs charting the early days and rise of Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber are coming out this week. Huzzah!
- "Dio: The Legend in Japan:" Thank god celebrities die. Then we get marginal releases like this.
- The cover for the movie "Korper" has a lot of floppy dongs. And you would think, "How does one get to the assumption that any amount of floppy dongs constitutes the definition of 'a lot?'" Trust me, that thing has a LOT. The back copy reads, "If you are lucky enough to see 'Korper,' you might want to pinch yourself at the end and check that you're still there." Did this thing just tell me to pinch my dong to make sure it's still there? Is this gay-ass movie going to steal it?? And that's not a homophobic slur ... this is a gay ass film.
- Horror is the go-to genre, because apparently it's seen as an easy emotion to pull off. Action, comedy, these have limits and foundations that you have to adhere to, but genre films in the horror category have unfortunately become so accepted, so mundane as to render them tropes which even the laziest of filmmaker can accomplish. Now that horror-comedy is becoming more prominent - at some point between "Shaun of the Dead" and "Zombieland" - we have a new angle thrown into the mix. It's with this in mind I bring to your attention: "Strippers vs. Werewolves." O horror, what crimes are committed to celluloid in your name.
<sup>1</sup>Incidentally, Dacre Stoker (great-grandnephew of Bram) would probably not know from good taste. In 2009, he penned "Dracula The Un-Dead" to very unfortunate reviews. The benefit of being the first addition to the Dracula mythology to be approved by the Stoker Estate (which consists of ... Dacre) apparently wasn't enough to obscure the sophomoric prose. Want a copy? Selling new for $0.47 on Amazon Marketplace, at this writing. Fucking thing has 63 chapters! And they aren't even light, James Patterson "Kiss the Girls" two- to three-page chapters, either. 432 pages! I'll buy this when I have a pet to euthanize and I want to hit it in the head with a brick, but can't find - nor do I want to look for - a fucking brick.
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